Dear Sad Girl: A Letter to the Girl I was a Year Ago

Dear sad girl in the mirror from a year ago:

I wish I could come to you and spend a few minutes with you from the future, to let you know that it’s okay to cry, but you won’t be crying forever.

Everything you’ve been through, all the heartbreak, loss and grief - it seems so pointless right now, but in less than one year, it will all make sense. It will suddenly seem like such a small price to pay.

I wish I could let you spend even just one minute with the sweet little boy that waits for you at the end of this road. I wish you could see his beautiful face.

I wish I could let you hold him, because even just one moment with him and all your questions will fade away.

I wish you could kiss him, and you’d realise that there’s no reason to be afraid. You wondered about the connection, but in your soul he was always safe.

I wish I could let you see how he’s going to look at you, the way he lights up when you walk in the room. He alone, is the child that was destined for you. There never was anyone else.

I wish I could let you see how he reaches for you, how he is soothed only by you, how he giggles with joy when you sing. I wish you could feel the unconditional love he has for you, his mamma.

I wish I could press pause on all your doubts and all your fears and let you just for one moment, look into your future. This isn’t the road you imagined, but the destination is better than even your most beautiful dreams.

The love you will feel for him is stronger. Stronger than the pain, stronger than your genes, stronger than every sacrifice you’ve made. You won’t care if it was the first transfer or the third. You won’t care if you’ve told one person or the whole world.

All of that will fade into some dark little corner of your memory, swallowed up by the explosion of love you’ll feel every time he smiles and you see his sweet little face. Sometimes you’ll still have questions, but they won’t carry the weight of pain.

Because the love you felt the instant you held him, pours JOY into everything, like the sun makes the day.

I wish we could spend one moment together. I, from the past and me from the future.

But we can’t. That is what faith is all about. Knowing through the storm, that everything is going to be alright. Knowing that you’re strong enough to do this. You’re strong enough to try one more time.

Knowing in your heart that you were always destined to be his mom.

- Written by an anonymous Infertility Unfiltered Donor Conception alum