A Story of Hope through Embryo Donation

Jen’s Story…

After 3 years of IVF, losses, surgeries and heartbreak after heartbreak, I sat in my fertility docs office at what felt like the 100th “WTF Appt” trying to piece together the “what went wrong” and “what’s next” with my then boyfriend. 

The doctor who I had grown to love and trust with my dream of becoming a mama uttered the words I had anticipated for so long, the words I had researched over and over. “I think we should talk about donors. Egg, sperm, embryo”, yet actually hearing them out loud was different. 

But it didn’t matter much, I just knew that I wanted to hear the words “Mama”.

Having done research on embryo donation, I was familiar with it and knew that this was the path at this stage of my story. My then boyfriend, who had children of his own, didn’t want to hear it but I asked him to just listen (maybe even pleaded). When the coordinator came in and began uttering the words of “a perfect match, same ethnic background, features, eye color, hair color”, all I heard was the possibility of finally being a mom.  

I asked for pictures of the anonymous donors, she said she couldn’t share those but could look for a possible picture of the child from these donors. A week later she sent me a photocopy. 

I must have stared at that picture a million times, desperate to find myself, my eyes, my nose, my hands, anything. I showed it to a few close friends and family, maybe with hopes they would say, “looks like your eyes, your smile!” but they never did. 

I never did see myself in that blurry black and white scanned photo but I did see possibility and hope.

On July 9th, those 2 little embryos were transferred. 13 days later the call came. One stuck and I was pregnant! Cue the fears that come with having been here before, many times. Would I make it to the end? Will I connect with her? Will she connect with me or will she hope for her “real parents”? 

I sat with these fears a lot especially after kicking my boyfriend to the curb at 8.5 months pregnant and realizing I was going to do this alone. 

Then on Thursday, March 12th, I met the girl who made me a Mama. it all made sense in that moment. It was her all along, it was always meant to be just her and me. 

I am forever grateful for the couple who gave those 2 little embryos a chance at life and love. Without them she wouldn’t exist and the person I am now doesn’t exist without my daughter. 

I tell her the story of Mama wanting her so bad but she didn’t have the seeds she needed, so I went to a doctor and asked him to put some magic seeds in mama’s belly. I try to bring this to life by letting her plant seeds in our garden, watering them and watching them grow. 

I find her and I so intertwined that most days I forget that we don’t share genetics. I am her Mama and she is my dream come true. 

The hard days and fears that come with doing this alone vary. Most days are good and others are so hard that you wonder if you alone will ever be enough. Will she resent me for doing this? Will she want to find her donors and donor siblings one day?

I truly feel sad sometimes when I think about it all. Then she holds my hand while we dance in the kitchen to the Daniel Tiger theme song for the 100th time and she says “I love you mommy” and in that moment I see ME in her eyes, in her smile, in her smell, in all of her and just like that, none of the “what if’s”  matter. 

It is her and me…the way it was meant to be.